![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
relee3:34am - So I was thinking of doing something else but my mind keeps coming back to JRPG development, especially the idea if a grindy 1980s style Dragon Quest adventure.
Since I thought to look for it, I've had a hard time finding anything like that apart from the classics themselves. It's kind of weird the absense of it. The closest things have been parodies, like Cthulhu Saves the World, and other games that are more 'advanced' but look retro, like Artifact Adventure.
But at the same time, I'm thinking about... What am I trying to get out of this?
What I'm craving is a game where I can wander around an overworld fighting or running from random encounters with monsters and leveling up my party as I progress towards an ultimate conflict to attack and dethrone god or something, with occasional forrays into dungeons, towers, and so on, and towns where I can heal up and re-equip.
I keep thinking of ways I could tweak it in other directions, too. Like making a DQ Generator that makes a whole DQ style game, or just making certain parts random and other parts not, like a Roguelike. I've thought about making it on the internet and making it like an MMO where players could adventure together-apart in the same world, or something. Like a grind-off contest? I thought for a while it would be neat if there was a final boss in the world that would take multiple parties working simultaneously but not neccesarily cooperating, to defeat. You'd have to get to a certain level to be strong enough to survive his board wiping attack to even participate, but after that you can just keep grinding until you can defeat him solo, or team up with other players to defeat him together. I have no idea if that would be fun or not, though.
Thinking about it, I could rig it like a MUD, where players can group up to go grind against monsters until they're strong enough, together or apart, to defeat regional bosses and maybe stories, until they get to the end.
You could even solo it with a party of NPCs instead of players, or group up with another player's party for a small army of adventurers.
This is all crazy-talk though. It would be so much work and I'd have to host a server and everything. Bleh.
It sounds kinda neat though. You could even RP in a game like that, I'd bet.
I keep wondering if I should stop with the big projects and just focus on small game demos and try to get a job working with a team. I could make money, earn a better living, and make an interesting game. It probably wouldn't be the game 'I'd want to make' but what even is, anymore?
And why are my favorite game studios in Europe, these days?
I'm not sure there are any Canadian game studios I know about where I'd really want to work.
Actually let me look some up to see what's out there.
Well there's Bioware of course, but who still wants to work there after EA took over?
Then there's a bunch in Montreal. I'm not sure why there are so many game studios in Montreal.
There's a ton in Toronto, I shouldn't be surprised.
Anyways I shouldn't tempt myself into that path. I probably wouldn't fit in anyways. I'm always mentally shooting myself in the foot. :/
I think perhaps my IRL needs are getting in the way of my game development. If I'm not going to make games professionally for the pursuit of profit, then I should be honest and call it a hobby, and pursue my work first. But what work? Am I doomed to be a cleaner of spills? Can I even GET a job as a cleaner of spills?
I'm scared to apply for any junior developer jobs in software development, because I have so little to show for myself, yet I'm also afraid to dedicate myself to making a software portfolio. I'm also afraid to become a software developer and not a game developer, because then all I'm doing is making money, not following my passion.
I sigh with frustration.
I've tried it before, to make myself do the software development thing, and it didn't go anywhere. It's not like you can JUST be a software developer. You need a speciality, like .NET or Java or JavaScript or PHP or WordPress or Laravel or SQL or UI...
My college education from twenty-to-fifteen years ago was in database management for a mainframe computer that was falling out of favor and I was the last person to graduate from that program before they stopped it. It's only there to remind me I can accomplish difficult things, and to give me a bit of a headstart on learning certain technologies.
I studied in 2013 to upgrade my knowledge but that didn't get me anywhere either. I didn't take it as seriously as I ought to have, though I didn't know it at the time. I thought I was working hard. But I didn't get the promised work experience, again, and I didn't make a portfolio of work as a result of it.
Even in 2015 when I went to Fanshawe, gosh how is that five years ago? Even then before I got my gout and had to drop out, I wasn't 'doing it right'. And that was actually game development. I don't think it was particularly helpful or useful game development, but it was my thing at least.
Anyways I'm just complaining now. The point is that I don't think I'm going to find work in software development any more than game development.
And yet, for all the searching I do and the help I've gotten first from Goodwill and now Hutton House, I just can't seem to find a job doing ANYTHING. The only things I haven't tried are the things I'm physically incapable of, like heavy labour. I don't have the body for that. But light labour like cleaning, I can't seem to find a job that'll hire me. Likewise anything else I've tried.
Without some stability in my life and a regular income to make things work, I can't focus on my other projects, which might as well be 'for fun' even if they might turn a profit one day.
But what to do in the mean time? I can't make employers post jobs any faster, I'm job searching as hard as I'm capable of doing it, and I still have a lot of free time. What do I do?
So I end up trying to do things and falling into a stressed out mess. I can't even play video games lately. I mean, at least I'm getting out of bed again thanks I'm sure to my newest medicine. But my projects and everything else feel like a waste of time when I don't have what I need to feel comfortable and safe.
It doesn't help at all that my roommate has decided to quit his job, especially so suddenly and without a new job to move to. That makes our living arangements even more pecarious, since I can't afford to take care of both of us on my disability. I hope he's better at finding jobs than I am.
As a result I'm sitting here typing this up, when there's so many other things I could be doing. Playing video games, watching shows, reading books, making my own games... It's all for nothing. The new medicine woke me up again only to realize my life sucks and there's nothing I can do but wallow in it until I can find someone to hire me.
I don't even know what to do now besides keep writing in here. I don't want to do anything else, that's for sure. Even those games I was talking about up above feel so distant and pointless. I wish I could be sure if this was situational or chemical depression, or both. At least I'm well treated for the second.
Well, I don't think I'm doing anymore work for now, so I'll sign off on here. Thanks for reading.
Since I thought to look for it, I've had a hard time finding anything like that apart from the classics themselves. It's kind of weird the absense of it. The closest things have been parodies, like Cthulhu Saves the World, and other games that are more 'advanced' but look retro, like Artifact Adventure.
But at the same time, I'm thinking about... What am I trying to get out of this?
What I'm craving is a game where I can wander around an overworld fighting or running from random encounters with monsters and leveling up my party as I progress towards an ultimate conflict to attack and dethrone god or something, with occasional forrays into dungeons, towers, and so on, and towns where I can heal up and re-equip.
I keep thinking of ways I could tweak it in other directions, too. Like making a DQ Generator that makes a whole DQ style game, or just making certain parts random and other parts not, like a Roguelike. I've thought about making it on the internet and making it like an MMO where players could adventure together-apart in the same world, or something. Like a grind-off contest? I thought for a while it would be neat if there was a final boss in the world that would take multiple parties working simultaneously but not neccesarily cooperating, to defeat. You'd have to get to a certain level to be strong enough to survive his board wiping attack to even participate, but after that you can just keep grinding until you can defeat him solo, or team up with other players to defeat him together. I have no idea if that would be fun or not, though.
Thinking about it, I could rig it like a MUD, where players can group up to go grind against monsters until they're strong enough, together or apart, to defeat regional bosses and maybe stories, until they get to the end.
You could even solo it with a party of NPCs instead of players, or group up with another player's party for a small army of adventurers.
This is all crazy-talk though. It would be so much work and I'd have to host a server and everything. Bleh.
It sounds kinda neat though. You could even RP in a game like that, I'd bet.
I keep wondering if I should stop with the big projects and just focus on small game demos and try to get a job working with a team. I could make money, earn a better living, and make an interesting game. It probably wouldn't be the game 'I'd want to make' but what even is, anymore?
And why are my favorite game studios in Europe, these days?
I'm not sure there are any Canadian game studios I know about where I'd really want to work.
Actually let me look some up to see what's out there.
Well there's Bioware of course, but who still wants to work there after EA took over?
Then there's a bunch in Montreal. I'm not sure why there are so many game studios in Montreal.
There's a ton in Toronto, I shouldn't be surprised.
Anyways I shouldn't tempt myself into that path. I probably wouldn't fit in anyways. I'm always mentally shooting myself in the foot. :/
I think perhaps my IRL needs are getting in the way of my game development. If I'm not going to make games professionally for the pursuit of profit, then I should be honest and call it a hobby, and pursue my work first. But what work? Am I doomed to be a cleaner of spills? Can I even GET a job as a cleaner of spills?
I'm scared to apply for any junior developer jobs in software development, because I have so little to show for myself, yet I'm also afraid to dedicate myself to making a software portfolio. I'm also afraid to become a software developer and not a game developer, because then all I'm doing is making money, not following my passion.
I sigh with frustration.
I've tried it before, to make myself do the software development thing, and it didn't go anywhere. It's not like you can JUST be a software developer. You need a speciality, like .NET or Java or JavaScript or PHP or WordPress or Laravel or SQL or UI...
My college education from twenty-to-fifteen years ago was in database management for a mainframe computer that was falling out of favor and I was the last person to graduate from that program before they stopped it. It's only there to remind me I can accomplish difficult things, and to give me a bit of a headstart on learning certain technologies.
I studied in 2013 to upgrade my knowledge but that didn't get me anywhere either. I didn't take it as seriously as I ought to have, though I didn't know it at the time. I thought I was working hard. But I didn't get the promised work experience, again, and I didn't make a portfolio of work as a result of it.
Even in 2015 when I went to Fanshawe, gosh how is that five years ago? Even then before I got my gout and had to drop out, I wasn't 'doing it right'. And that was actually game development. I don't think it was particularly helpful or useful game development, but it was my thing at least.
Anyways I'm just complaining now. The point is that I don't think I'm going to find work in software development any more than game development.
And yet, for all the searching I do and the help I've gotten first from Goodwill and now Hutton House, I just can't seem to find a job doing ANYTHING. The only things I haven't tried are the things I'm physically incapable of, like heavy labour. I don't have the body for that. But light labour like cleaning, I can't seem to find a job that'll hire me. Likewise anything else I've tried.
Without some stability in my life and a regular income to make things work, I can't focus on my other projects, which might as well be 'for fun' even if they might turn a profit one day.
But what to do in the mean time? I can't make employers post jobs any faster, I'm job searching as hard as I'm capable of doing it, and I still have a lot of free time. What do I do?
So I end up trying to do things and falling into a stressed out mess. I can't even play video games lately. I mean, at least I'm getting out of bed again thanks I'm sure to my newest medicine. But my projects and everything else feel like a waste of time when I don't have what I need to feel comfortable and safe.
It doesn't help at all that my roommate has decided to quit his job, especially so suddenly and without a new job to move to. That makes our living arangements even more pecarious, since I can't afford to take care of both of us on my disability. I hope he's better at finding jobs than I am.
As a result I'm sitting here typing this up, when there's so many other things I could be doing. Playing video games, watching shows, reading books, making my own games... It's all for nothing. The new medicine woke me up again only to realize my life sucks and there's nothing I can do but wallow in it until I can find someone to hire me.
I don't even know what to do now besides keep writing in here. I don't want to do anything else, that's for sure. Even those games I was talking about up above feel so distant and pointless. I wish I could be sure if this was situational or chemical depression, or both. At least I'm well treated for the second.
Well, I don't think I'm doing anymore work for now, so I'll sign off on here. Thanks for reading.
