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4:03am - I'm feeling pretty conflicted lately. I'm not sure if I want to work on my project or do other things. I'm always saying I'm not mentally prepared to work, but it seems more and more like that's just an excuse I'm telling myself to avoid work when I don't want to do it.
But then "Want" is such a complex word these days. I do want to work on this game, I'm excited for it, but there's functionally little difference between excitement and anxiety. So I can want to do something and not want to do something at the same time. Like I said, conflicted.
When I sit down to work on my project, like now for example, I feel this growing sense of wrongness deep inside that just feels awful. But at the same time, when I get into the flow of developing games, nothing is more fulfilling and satisfying.
When I'm not working on games, everything feels pointless and stupid.
At some point I decided that making video games was my 'Meaning of Life', at least for now, and it's a serious situation. I can't do anything else without feeling like I'm wasting time I could be spending making games. And yet, I feel bad when I try to make games, and retreat from that feeling into things that are not making games.
Why can't I be satisfied just playing video games, watching shows, reading books and doing good deeds when I get the chance? Why do I have to make games?
I don't really know why. It's just the way that I am. And I can't cheat it either. I can't just make any games, I have to make MY games, MY way, and the decision on what that is seems to be entirely subconcious. It was never something I thought about in my concious mind, to say 'This is me, this is what I'll be, and these are the rules'. I just am this way.
I can't seem to be satisfied by other work, at least the few times I've been able to try. I haven't given up on that though; I'm looking for 'work' again. New job agency, new tries. We'll see how it goes.
I'm saying all this to help get my thoughts out of my head, and also in some sense to psyche myself up to actually working on my project.
The next thing I need to do is make it so that when the player presses a button, the player character scans a spot in front of them for an interactable, and activates it.
Then I need to make an interactable to interact with. That's the start of the NPC system.
It's pretty simple and I know what to do to make it happen, but I still feel sick just thinking about it. :/
And yet, what else am I going to do? I'll just feel like I'm wasting more time if I do anything else.
I guess I'm still in an introspective mood. I'm thinking about other things now. The situation of the world, of my country, of my city and community. I'm barely a part of it all and yet I feel so responsible for it. I'm not sure what to do about that though. I mean, why did I go into entertainment/media production when I'm going to end up worried about the world, its people, and the future?
I'm not a very social person, and yet I'm a socialist. It's kind of weird.
What am I doing with my life that I'm not even trying to pull back the hands of that Doomsday Clock. We're at 100 seconds to Midnight now, you know? That's a little more than a minute and a half.
4:49am - Geez, I'm not doing myself any favors here, stressing out over this stuff. I was hoping to do some work but right now I just feel awful. Alas.
But then "Want" is such a complex word these days. I do want to work on this game, I'm excited for it, but there's functionally little difference between excitement and anxiety. So I can want to do something and not want to do something at the same time. Like I said, conflicted.
When I sit down to work on my project, like now for example, I feel this growing sense of wrongness deep inside that just feels awful. But at the same time, when I get into the flow of developing games, nothing is more fulfilling and satisfying.
When I'm not working on games, everything feels pointless and stupid.
At some point I decided that making video games was my 'Meaning of Life', at least for now, and it's a serious situation. I can't do anything else without feeling like I'm wasting time I could be spending making games. And yet, I feel bad when I try to make games, and retreat from that feeling into things that are not making games.
Why can't I be satisfied just playing video games, watching shows, reading books and doing good deeds when I get the chance? Why do I have to make games?
I don't really know why. It's just the way that I am. And I can't cheat it either. I can't just make any games, I have to make MY games, MY way, and the decision on what that is seems to be entirely subconcious. It was never something I thought about in my concious mind, to say 'This is me, this is what I'll be, and these are the rules'. I just am this way.
I can't seem to be satisfied by other work, at least the few times I've been able to try. I haven't given up on that though; I'm looking for 'work' again. New job agency, new tries. We'll see how it goes.
I'm saying all this to help get my thoughts out of my head, and also in some sense to psyche myself up to actually working on my project.
The next thing I need to do is make it so that when the player presses a button, the player character scans a spot in front of them for an interactable, and activates it.
Then I need to make an interactable to interact with. That's the start of the NPC system.
It's pretty simple and I know what to do to make it happen, but I still feel sick just thinking about it. :/
And yet, what else am I going to do? I'll just feel like I'm wasting more time if I do anything else.
I guess I'm still in an introspective mood. I'm thinking about other things now. The situation of the world, of my country, of my city and community. I'm barely a part of it all and yet I feel so responsible for it. I'm not sure what to do about that though. I mean, why did I go into entertainment/media production when I'm going to end up worried about the world, its people, and the future?
I'm not a very social person, and yet I'm a socialist. It's kind of weird.
What am I doing with my life that I'm not even trying to pull back the hands of that Doomsday Clock. We're at 100 seconds to Midnight now, you know? That's a little more than a minute and a half.
4:49am - Geez, I'm not doing myself any favors here, stressing out over this stuff. I was hoping to do some work but right now I just feel awful. Alas.
