Second Day Trying "Blog Everything"
Nov. 15th, 2022 11:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
relee11:56pm - So far, I've gotten up, I'm already playing a TTRPG with some friends, I had a light breakfast and took my meds.
I'm playing the TTRPG in voicechat and on Roll20 on one monitor, and on the other I've got Dual Universe open. I'm setting up a sort of 'mailbox' for now, to give Humis back his stuff.
12:32pm - I'm going into space in DU now. Gonna pick up some Silicon I couldn't sell, and some other things from Haven. I also bought three Territory Units on Alioth so I'll have to pick them up to grab my territories soon.
7:33am - After the game ended around 1:15am, I watched some shows with the guys who remained and ate a dinner for breakfast. Eventually we parted, and I spent time on Dual Universe, but I also went to my roommate's Twitch stream and we were rubbing up against eachother in a bad way, despite trying not to. I was getting emotional and making his audience uncomfortable, so I apologized and left. A little bit later, though, he contacted me on Discord, and we spent at least three hours fighting, maybe four or more? We only stopped a little while ago, and only because I realized we had addressed him 'cornering' me. Since he's ten feet away, and he had already come to Discord after I left his Twitch Chat, and wouldn't take no for an answer, I thought he'd chase me irl if I logged off. :/
When I said that I thought that he reassured me he wouldn't, but I didn't log off then. We were still fighting for another couple hours after that, before I realized I had been saying all along something like 'I'm too emotional and upset right now, I left your twitch chat because I knew I couldn't control myself and didn't want to do things I'd regret, but you chased me and won't stop.'
We eventually figured out why he was compelled to chase me and not stop, but we kept fighting after that too. Neither of us were in our best minds and we were hurting eachother's feelings, but wouldn't stop, and that was what I was trying to avoid but it was too late and I was in too deep. My attempt to stop it failed.
A big part of what we were arguing about was him saying I wasn't accepting blame or fault for things I do, and all through it he was only doing it because of his mental problems, and acting like I was the one responsible for what he was doing. I had already left and he followed me, how was it my fault?
We've never had a fight like that. Not one that lasted so long, certainly, but also not on that topic or issue. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I think I'm fair in saying he forced it on me, because he chased me to Discord after I left his Twitch Chat. Since we're ten feet away irl, in different rooms, I felt I had to address it or he'd come in person, right? I didn't have the option to just say nothing, unless I was willing to risk having to do it in person too, or worse. :/
On the other hand, he wasn't taking responsibility for his mental problem forcing him to go after me. Yeah, if I had understood the situation and explained myself, it would have let him stop, but I didn't understand the situation. For a lot of it, I didn't even know he was under a compulsion. I thought he was just refusing to stop when he was able to. Likewise, I didn't know what was causing the compulsion.
Still, we kept fighting after we solved that, so it wasn't just that. He's upset about other things, I'm upset about other things. I'm glad I finally had the sense and self-control to stop the back and forth, but it was an ordeal.
Two crazy people in a reinforcement spiral. :/
I'm not feeling great now. I've been on Dual Universe the whole time he and I were fighting, trying to distract myself and stay calm. Now though, I knew I didn't want to argue or discuss things with him from the start because of my emotional state, I'd want to hurt him, and I guess I still want to hurt something? Emotionally speaking. I don't actually want him to be hurt. I'm going to have to do something to let out the tension now that I'm alone. For the moment, I'm writing all of this, but I think I'm going to have to switch to a more violent game, or something.
But yeah, in DU I've been gathering the last of the "Skittles", the surface ores in the free territory I have on Haven, so I can take them to Alioth. There's still some left, but I might just log off for now and finish later. I'm moving all my stuff off of Haven, including the old house. The only thing that'll remain is the territory control unit.
9:44am - I played a dungeon in Fortnite Save the World mode, and that was nice. It was on the easiest difficulty so I killed many baddies solo-style. Took a long time, but I wasn't rushing like yesterday. Now I'm going to do a few other things. Call Goodwill, go get groceries, those are the main ones.
2:34pm - Well, I'm home again. I ended up calling goodwill while getting ready to get groceries, rather than before. They had an opening today so I went and had an intake meeting. Got the ball rolling. Afterwards I got groceries, and now I'm home again.
I've got a couple Steamed Bao and a Rootbeer and some Salt and Vinnegar Potato Chips because I'm Canadian, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do next but I've been enjoying Fortnite so far and the event isn't on much longer, so I think I'll probably do more of that.
1:05am - Things got weird and I rushed to bed around 4pm without remembering to post this. This is twice now, I hope I can remember soon!
I'm playing the TTRPG in voicechat and on Roll20 on one monitor, and on the other I've got Dual Universe open. I'm setting up a sort of 'mailbox' for now, to give Humis back his stuff.
12:32pm - I'm going into space in DU now. Gonna pick up some Silicon I couldn't sell, and some other things from Haven. I also bought three Territory Units on Alioth so I'll have to pick them up to grab my territories soon.
7:33am - After the game ended around 1:15am, I watched some shows with the guys who remained and ate a dinner for breakfast. Eventually we parted, and I spent time on Dual Universe, but I also went to my roommate's Twitch stream and we were rubbing up against eachother in a bad way, despite trying not to. I was getting emotional and making his audience uncomfortable, so I apologized and left. A little bit later, though, he contacted me on Discord, and we spent at least three hours fighting, maybe four or more? We only stopped a little while ago, and only because I realized we had addressed him 'cornering' me. Since he's ten feet away, and he had already come to Discord after I left his Twitch Chat, and wouldn't take no for an answer, I thought he'd chase me irl if I logged off. :/
When I said that I thought that he reassured me he wouldn't, but I didn't log off then. We were still fighting for another couple hours after that, before I realized I had been saying all along something like 'I'm too emotional and upset right now, I left your twitch chat because I knew I couldn't control myself and didn't want to do things I'd regret, but you chased me and won't stop.'
We eventually figured out why he was compelled to chase me and not stop, but we kept fighting after that too. Neither of us were in our best minds and we were hurting eachother's feelings, but wouldn't stop, and that was what I was trying to avoid but it was too late and I was in too deep. My attempt to stop it failed.
A big part of what we were arguing about was him saying I wasn't accepting blame or fault for things I do, and all through it he was only doing it because of his mental problems, and acting like I was the one responsible for what he was doing. I had already left and he followed me, how was it my fault?
We've never had a fight like that. Not one that lasted so long, certainly, but also not on that topic or issue. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I think I'm fair in saying he forced it on me, because he chased me to Discord after I left his Twitch Chat. Since we're ten feet away irl, in different rooms, I felt I had to address it or he'd come in person, right? I didn't have the option to just say nothing, unless I was willing to risk having to do it in person too, or worse. :/
On the other hand, he wasn't taking responsibility for his mental problem forcing him to go after me. Yeah, if I had understood the situation and explained myself, it would have let him stop, but I didn't understand the situation. For a lot of it, I didn't even know he was under a compulsion. I thought he was just refusing to stop when he was able to. Likewise, I didn't know what was causing the compulsion.
Still, we kept fighting after we solved that, so it wasn't just that. He's upset about other things, I'm upset about other things. I'm glad I finally had the sense and self-control to stop the back and forth, but it was an ordeal.
Two crazy people in a reinforcement spiral. :/
I'm not feeling great now. I've been on Dual Universe the whole time he and I were fighting, trying to distract myself and stay calm. Now though, I knew I didn't want to argue or discuss things with him from the start because of my emotional state, I'd want to hurt him, and I guess I still want to hurt something? Emotionally speaking. I don't actually want him to be hurt. I'm going to have to do something to let out the tension now that I'm alone. For the moment, I'm writing all of this, but I think I'm going to have to switch to a more violent game, or something.
But yeah, in DU I've been gathering the last of the "Skittles", the surface ores in the free territory I have on Haven, so I can take them to Alioth. There's still some left, but I might just log off for now and finish later. I'm moving all my stuff off of Haven, including the old house. The only thing that'll remain is the territory control unit.
9:44am - I played a dungeon in Fortnite Save the World mode, and that was nice. It was on the easiest difficulty so I killed many baddies solo-style. Took a long time, but I wasn't rushing like yesterday. Now I'm going to do a few other things. Call Goodwill, go get groceries, those are the main ones.
2:34pm - Well, I'm home again. I ended up calling goodwill while getting ready to get groceries, rather than before. They had an opening today so I went and had an intake meeting. Got the ball rolling. Afterwards I got groceries, and now I'm home again.
I've got a couple Steamed Bao and a Rootbeer and some Salt and Vinnegar Potato Chips because I'm Canadian, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do next but I've been enjoying Fortnite so far and the event isn't on much longer, so I think I'll probably do more of that.
1:05am - Things got weird and I rushed to bed around 4pm without remembering to post this. This is twice now, I hope I can remember soon!
