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11:12am - Well it's been about two months since my last Work Post. I wonder if any of you wonder where I've been? It's been about the same old same old but without work, I suppose. It's been very hollow and frustrating, but I've been playing a lot of video games and engaging with other media, so there's that. But mostly I've been lacking drive and I've been dipping in and out of depression a lot.
I've spent quite a bit of time wrestling with what I want to do with myself, trying to figure out why I haven't been able to muster up the will to work on my project, or do much of anything else.
I think I've uncovered some answers, as well. A big part of my problems lately stem from concern about finances and my future if I'm unable to raise my income. People keep saying to me that because of my disability income, I don't need to work, and I shouldn't worry about my income, but I do. I want more out of my life than my disability payments can provide. I have a car thanks to my Dad but he can only pay for the insurance for so long. I want to cover its upkeep myself. Furthermore I need more money for my future plans with my friend Alex.
These concerns have been riding heavily on my mind and even when I'm not thinking about them directly, and they influence my choices a lot. When I work on my games, these days, there's an everpresent concern that what I'm doing must in some way serve to profit me, or present a future where I make money from my work. I end up wanting to make money on my games, either through sales or patronage, but it drives me to do things I might not want to do for the sake of chasing money. But doing what you don't want to is hard, especially when you don't see any rewards in sight, and that's how it's been for me for a long time.
I like the game idea I came up with for my traveling peddler game, but I nolonger think it's the game I want to make. Rather, it's a game I thought I could make, and make money from it somehow, only to realize I was engaging on a long term project that wasn't in line with my personal goals.
What are my personal goals? I'm still trying to figure that out, and that may be a lifelong goal as well. However I've started thinking about my past wants and desires to try and glean some insight on my own overall direction.
For all I talk about simulations and not making games for the sake of making games, there's one game I've wanted to make since I was in high school. It's easier to make than the traveling peddler game, and I can even fork that game into making it because they're similar up to the point I've worked on.
I've always wanted to make a Zelda-like game with a modern asthetic.
It's more design heavy than mechanics heavy, since I have to come up with probably nine or more thematic dungeons with unique tools that build on top of eachother, but it's something I think I'm capable of, and something I've wanted to do for something like twenty five years.
So, I'm going to switch projects again, and make something new that I've always wanted to. If I can't sustain the drive to make this game, then I don't know what I'd ever have the drive to make.
So let's begin.
The game I want to make is inspired most of all by The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. It has elements that I want to copy, like a second more magical world, and the main character will be a boy so he won't have access to guns. I'm still on the fence on whether I want him to use a wooden practice sword or a baseball bat. In the original idea he was taught swordplay by his grandmother, sort of like Link's Uncle in LttP, but I wasn't going to kill her off the way Link's Uncle died.
In my head there's a conflict between the modern world and the magical world, and on your journey you travel bewteen the two and have adventures.
Monsters have kidnapped the heiress of the King corporation, who control the city financially. You go after her and she's taken beyond the veil into the magical world, so you follow, and things grow past that.
I don't have much more concrete about the design, so I'll be working on that for some time I expect. It's good to have something new to work on, though. We'll see if I can stick it out this time. For now I think I've done enough writing and thinking for a little while. It's time to play a bit. I didn't write down my times on this like I usually do, but I've been writing for about an hour. Hopefully I'll continue later today, either with or without a work post.
I've spent quite a bit of time wrestling with what I want to do with myself, trying to figure out why I haven't been able to muster up the will to work on my project, or do much of anything else.
I think I've uncovered some answers, as well. A big part of my problems lately stem from concern about finances and my future if I'm unable to raise my income. People keep saying to me that because of my disability income, I don't need to work, and I shouldn't worry about my income, but I do. I want more out of my life than my disability payments can provide. I have a car thanks to my Dad but he can only pay for the insurance for so long. I want to cover its upkeep myself. Furthermore I need more money for my future plans with my friend Alex.
These concerns have been riding heavily on my mind and even when I'm not thinking about them directly, and they influence my choices a lot. When I work on my games, these days, there's an everpresent concern that what I'm doing must in some way serve to profit me, or present a future where I make money from my work. I end up wanting to make money on my games, either through sales or patronage, but it drives me to do things I might not want to do for the sake of chasing money. But doing what you don't want to is hard, especially when you don't see any rewards in sight, and that's how it's been for me for a long time.
I like the game idea I came up with for my traveling peddler game, but I nolonger think it's the game I want to make. Rather, it's a game I thought I could make, and make money from it somehow, only to realize I was engaging on a long term project that wasn't in line with my personal goals.
What are my personal goals? I'm still trying to figure that out, and that may be a lifelong goal as well. However I've started thinking about my past wants and desires to try and glean some insight on my own overall direction.
For all I talk about simulations and not making games for the sake of making games, there's one game I've wanted to make since I was in high school. It's easier to make than the traveling peddler game, and I can even fork that game into making it because they're similar up to the point I've worked on.
I've always wanted to make a Zelda-like game with a modern asthetic.
It's more design heavy than mechanics heavy, since I have to come up with probably nine or more thematic dungeons with unique tools that build on top of eachother, but it's something I think I'm capable of, and something I've wanted to do for something like twenty five years.
So, I'm going to switch projects again, and make something new that I've always wanted to. If I can't sustain the drive to make this game, then I don't know what I'd ever have the drive to make.
So let's begin.
The game I want to make is inspired most of all by The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. It has elements that I want to copy, like a second more magical world, and the main character will be a boy so he won't have access to guns. I'm still on the fence on whether I want him to use a wooden practice sword or a baseball bat. In the original idea he was taught swordplay by his grandmother, sort of like Link's Uncle in LttP, but I wasn't going to kill her off the way Link's Uncle died.
In my head there's a conflict between the modern world and the magical world, and on your journey you travel bewteen the two and have adventures.
Monsters have kidnapped the heiress of the King corporation, who control the city financially. You go after her and she's taken beyond the veil into the magical world, so you follow, and things grow past that.
I don't have much more concrete about the design, so I'll be working on that for some time I expect. It's good to have something new to work on, though. We'll see if I can stick it out this time. For now I think I've done enough writing and thinking for a little while. It's time to play a bit. I didn't write down my times on this like I usually do, but I've been writing for about an hour. Hopefully I'll continue later today, either with or without a work post.
